Episode 2: Triggers, Shame and Guilt
Welcome back to this three part series on MONEY. If you haven’t already listened to Episode 1, go do it. We get really real, and really practical. Down to talking about budgets, debt, and prioritizing spending with real life examples AND a downloadable money tracking spreadsheet.
I firmly believe that normalizing money is the key to overcoming your triggers, shame, and guilt around money.
And if you’re about to say you ain’t got no problems with money then 1) let me congratulate you and 2) let’s stop lying.
WE ALL HAVE MONEY ISSUES. Whether we realize it or not. It took me a LOT of years to recognize the debilitating fear I had around money, the stories I was telling myself about it, and the beliefs I took on without even realizing it.
So let's talk about MY triggers, shame and guilt around money shall we? I mentioned this a little in Episode 1 and promised we’d get back to it. In my family we were raised to save - always spend cash, never have debt, God forbid you lease a car, work hard and make your own money.
Let’s be clear - these things are not BAD. They can be good, sound, financial advice, BUT they can create money roadblock hurdles and form the basis for triggers that you may face later in life - that is, unless you’re a wise listener who knows that you’re ready to start making changes to your money stories and getting rid of that shame and guilt.
I want to start by telling you the story of my leased car. Dun dun dun…. About 2 years ago, my used, paid for in cash (remember that car envelope savings form Ep. 1? Useful thing!) 1998 Toyota Avalon was coming to the end of its life. It wasn’t super safe to drive, and I didn’t want to put $2k+ into a 20 year old car. I didn’t have money to put down on a car or cash to pay in full for a used car. After talking to my accountant, I decided to lease a car through my business. It made sense for where I was at the time: I was making more than enough money to pay for it, it was helpful for my taxes, and I could use it to schlep around my wardrobe rack and Ikea bags full of clothes headed to the thrift store. Leasing this car brought on a BOATLOAD of money feelings I didn’t even know I had:
Embarrassment to tell my family I was leasing a car. I knew my mom would hate this idea and felt like she would judge me.
Guilt over “wasting” money by leasing a car and that I was no longer financially responsible.
Frantic worry trying to figure out if I could get out of my lease.
Fear that I was being someone I wasn’t - leasing a fancy new 2018 with all the bells and whistles. while some people couldn’t even afford a used car
What finally stopped all of this frantic (and frankly useless and super negative) behavior was when I changed the story I was telling myself. When I changed the story: I am financially responsible, leasing a car through a business isn’t a bad idea, I am going to purchase it when my lease is up, I am the same person as before - I found peace.
Is leasing a car always a good idea? No! A lot of people get into car leases over their heads because it’s easy. It’s a system designed to keep people stuck. Cars are not good investments unless you’re keeping them till literally they fall apart.
I tell you this story because having car lease was a HUGE money trigger for me and I used this experience to explore my shame, guilt and fear around money. I probably could have purchased a used car if I put my mind to it, but then I never would have gotten to explore this and for these lessons, I am grateful.
I’m almost at the end of my 2 year lease. It’s up in April. And it has taken me nearly all of that time to rewrite my story. Don’t think it happened over night!
Everyone’s guilt around money will be different - but also waaaaay more similar than we think. You most likely have your own car lease story - an experience around money that allowed you to explore your triggers, guilt and shame and, hopefully, work through them.
Other triggers around money can include: debt, making MORE money than you’re used to, buying fancy new items, not being able to pay a bill on time, borrowing money from family or friend, lending money to family or a friend, not being able to go out to eat due to budget, living paycheck to paycheck. Know that at every stage of your money journey, a new trigger will pop up - and you can use it to began to rewrite your money stories. More will come, but each time, you’ll be better equipped with more experience and tools to continue the work of re-scripting how you related to money.
There is no shortcut to getting rid of your triggers around money, but here are 4 things that have helped me:
Get practical with things - check in on accounts, money, etc.
Have FUN paying your bills. Be grateful. Bless your money.
Make smart decisions. Don’t go into debt.
OWN your money.
Actively work to recognize what about money makes you stressed, how can you rewrite those stories, what can you do differently?
Qs:
How do you deal with triggers, shame and guilt?
I recognize them, do The Work around them, and peel them apart year after year.
How do I deal with people wanting to go out to eat when I can’t afford it?
This can be a tough one and is chock full of triggers- shame and embarrassment to name 2 off the bat. Here’s how I would deal with it: I’m not choosing to spend my money on eating out right now…. 1) can we bring our own food? 2) can we hang out at my apartment/house? 3) can we get coffee vs. drinks?
The best way to remove embarrassment is to own your decisions. If you can confidently say, this isn’t how I’m choosing to spend my money right now - then hopefully you’ll be met with respect. But no that you may not - and then you’ll still need to do the work to work through what this brings up.
Resources:
Katherine Zenkina: Manifestation Babe (podcast)
James Wedmore: Mind Your Business (podcast)
Jim Fortin (podcast)
Jen Sincero: You are a Badass at Making Money (book)
Profit First (book)
Dave Ramsey (book)
Smart friends + family!
Accountants
Financial advisors
Google!